Put the baster down. And back away from the turkey.

Dear Consumers of Thanksgiving Turkey,

I’ve been doing some research on your tradition of eating my ancestors every November, and the results are pretty fascinating, actually. This has nothing to do with turkey making you tired—in fact, that whole story with words like serotonin and tryptophan is what puts me to sleep. No, the real story is about how much you are really consuming on Thanksgiving.

People wonder why America is so obese. Well, you guys dedicate entire days to stuffing your faces. And then you justify sitting on your plump behinds in front of the football game as a time of giving thanks. But when it’s all said and done, did you actually take the time to be appreciative? Or did you just fill yourself with my cousins?

And what about the other foods that want to be appreciated? Think about the stuffing,

the cranberry,

the green bean casserole,

the mashed potatoes,

the sweet potatoes with the brown sugar and marshmallows.

And don’t forget the pumpkin pie.

By the time you finish all of these other deliciously fattening foods, do you really need anything more? No, I didn’t think so. So put those turkey basters down. Give Mom and Grandma the year off, and be appreciative that someone’s looking out for your waistline.
The turkey that doesn’t want to be your dinner.